and that time is now.
It is Thursday afternoon and the rain is slowing falling outside the window of my two-bedroom flat here in Columbus. I have a paper due tomorrow that, for all intents and purposes, I have not yet begun. And yet here I am, writing an entry for my blog. Perhaps it will get the juices flowing...yeah, that's it!
but seriously, folks... Yesterday, I began, like many of you, my Lenten journey. I have, as in past years, made a short list of those silly vices that I will, for forty days, close out of my life--fast food, ice cream, endless hours of Family Guy on Hulu. However, this year I am going to add something to the discipline: discipline. Anyone who has read the entries in this blog (and, honestly, I'd be amazed if anyone has) would find a frightening amount of malaise and discontentment that has, quite honestly, been just under the surface of my life for far too long. I am not hoping Lent will be some 40-day self-help bonanza. I am not intending for my faith to somehow suddenly alter my life. But I am finally ready to face my life as I have been living it.
And the time has come:
- to do the work, and not simply enough to get by
- to truly read and honestly write
- to stop making excuses
- to end the lies (especially the ones I tell myself)
- to make an honest effort to care for my body
- to engage my friends in real relationship
- to accept the fact that I am single, and that that does not mean something is wrong
- to pray
- to end this blog entry, and start my paper
um ruhiger zu werden
der Ampelmann geht, so muss ich auch
es gibt kein anderen Grund
und du weg gehst mit ein anderen Weg
für unsere Gesund'
und wenn ich bin ganz nicht zu fort
ich weiß werd' ich dich vermiss
noch kann ich nie den Fall verlern
der wenn du meinen Herz geriss
als wie der Ampelmann zwingt mich zu
von diesen Eck geschieden
so auch mit diene Wort hast du
diese Trennung getrieben
10.07.08 - Perhaps More at Home Than I First Thought
It is official. I have been here in Berlin for ten full days, and I have settled in. It is time for me to begin living here now. I guess I should probably explain...
The first real sign was when the salami sandwich I had for dinner no longer tasted as good as it has over the frighteningly numerous meals where such a sandwich has previously appeared. My salami binge (which was quite similar to one suffered during my initial weeks in Reutlingen back in 2007) can be, I am sure, blamed squarely on my mother. As a young, growing boy, hard salami was one of those rare treats that only on occasion found its way into our refrigerator. My mother, quite correctly, did not feel that a food made completely of red meat and chunks of visible fat was perhaps the best thing for her sons to consume. I, however, have a weak-spot for stuff. So, whenever I come to Europe, I immediately run to the salami and have myself a party. Well, the party's over. I have hit that point of saturation where my stomach seems to be getting the point across that this is not vacation, and I should probably stop eating like it!
And Mom, please know that, amidst the appalling amount of salami that I have consumed over that past ten days, I have found my way to fresh fruits and veggies from a stand located between my apartment and the local U-Bhf.
Reason number two is that the schoolwork, while still engaging and fun--has become, well, schoolwork. So far, my teacher, Christine Dühring, has made the classroom experience at the Goethe-Institut a real joy. I know I am learning a great deal already--most days seeming so by as much brute force and exposure to this wonderful language as anything else! But Frau Dühring has a knack for high energy teaching that has encouraged me to do my work when I get home. It helps that I really want to get this language under my belt. But still, I do not ordinarily rush home to crack open the books right away and start into the fun. Homework done by 7pm?!? Really?!? Well, that began to change today. Reason being--we have a test tomorrow! All of the sudden I was shocked back into the academia I thought I might have been able to leave behind in Valparaiso or waiting for me in Columbus. Not so much. This evening was spent, quite reluctantly I will admit, re-memorizing tables, grammatical rules, declensions, conjugations, and trying for the life of me to figure out what to do with those damn
unregalmäßige Verben! But, as with my prior academic life, the time came when the work needed to be done. And you know what? All the studying and all the homework, while perhaps completed with a bit less unabashed fun than before, was still strikingly enjoyable. Go figure.
Reason number three, I know, is truly the kicker. I feel as though I have a place with the people here. Alex, my "host-dad" here in Berlin, and I talked about music for 20 minutes or so this evening. It was great fun just sitting around talking about who was coming when into the city to play and how much fun it would be to score some lawn seats for a few of August's open-air concerts. This afternoon I enjoyed lunch at Hackescher Markt with seven of my classmates. Our class time today ended with a 90 minute scavenger hunt of sorts throughout Berlin's
Mitte district. When we ended near Hackescher Markt, we figured it would be a great time to continue the fun. So lunch it was. Afterwards the conversation continued for me and one of my classmates, Hae Jin, as we rode the S-Bahn back west from the Markt. Along the way, we discussed music (Hae Jin is an organist who has come for a year's worth of study in Berlin), specifically of the organ variety, and did so to reasonable success. I honestly felt like I could have had this conversation with any number of my music friends back at VU, save for the German component!
So, maybe I am at that point where I am no longer just here, but I need to start to really being here. The ever-so-alluring call of adventure has perhaps waned to a point where I have begun to encounter some honest-to-goodness reality. This doesn't mean I've stopped missing home or the many people I feel as though I have left behind. Nor does this mean that I will anytime in the near future cut down on my vacation-paced consumption of good beer and better chocolate. I mean, c'mon, let's be honest here! But I hope that I can start to approach my days as someone who truly belongs here--not simply someone who dropped by for a little while.
bis später, J.
A Seventh Try at a Second Chance
I have made so many attempts at starting and re-starting this blog that I do not blame anyone who reads this (and if anyone does, I would be amazed!) if they never come back.
But, I think this is as good a time as any to begin again with the blog thing. I have returned to Germany for more classwork and another opportunity to meet new people and have some wonderful experiences. I have been in class at the
Goethe-Institut, Berlin since last Tuesday; and my course will end on August 22. So, I have between now and then to learn some more German, make some new friends, and try my best to keep this journal alive.
So, without further ado:
9.07.2008 - Oper und Mehr
Since my classes begin at 8:30 each morning, and I have around a 45 minute commute, my days begin much earlier than perhaps I would have expected my summer days to commence during the weeks immediately following my college graduation. I am living in a flat in the district of Kreuzburg, which is on the south-central part of Berlin. I am actually about a five minute walk from the Templehof Airport, on Dudenstraße--in case anyone wishes to do a little Google Earth stalking. Every morning thus far has included time walking, riding the subway (U-Bahn), riding the elevated train (S-Bahn), and the Tram. My school is located in the district called Prenzlauer Berg, which is just to the northeast of Berlin Mitte. I am hoping to begin a new, all U-Bahn commute tomorrow, on the advice of a friend who lives just north of me, also in the Kreuzburg district. The plan is to shave a few minutes off the trip, so I can enjoy a little more sleep!
My class has 13 students (including myself) from various locales. I hope my memory does not fail me as I try to briefly share them with you:
Antonella (Italy), Paolo (Switzerland), Meral (Turkey), Tugbèrk (Turkey), Anat (Israel), Hana (Czech Rep.), Gabe (USA), Ruì (Japan), Hae Jin (South Korea), Amal (Libya), Mohammed (Libya), and Camila (Brazil).
We spend around 4.5 hours a day with each other in class. Our teacher, Christine, is really pretty great. She is very approachable and has a ton of energy, yet is tough enough to keep us on task. I hope to share more about the classroom experience as different things come up during my weeks here. For now, I will simply say that I have yet to be in a class that has seemed to last longer than 90 minutes!
This evening, Paolo, Antonella, Meral, and I went to the Komische Oper to see "La Bohème." This was a new German translation of Puccini's opera (all the works at the Komische Oper are
auf deutsch) which was a trimmed down version of the original. Instead of 4 acts, we had one, without pause, lasting about 115 minutes. It was quick, dirty, and to the point. Perhaps a bit too much for my taste. Nevertheless, the gentleman playing Rodolfo was superb and the lady singing Mimí was equally up to the task. Definitely worth the cost of admission; especially so, considering the discount we got from the
Goethe-Institut!
After the opera, the four of us decided to walk down
Unter den Linden, which is the main East-West road which connects the Brandenburg Gate with Alexanderplatz. We were looking for dinner, only to find that, while one can buy a Skoda, Bentley, Ferrari, VW, or Seat along
Unter den Linden, a modest eating establishment is quite another thing entirely. Eventually we found the Brauhaus Berlin Mitte, which was a stone's throw from the S+U Bhf. Alexanderplatz. We sat and had dinner for about 2 hours, which included lively conversation in mostly German, with some English and a smattering of Italian thrown in.
I've only been here a week and yet I am starting to feel like I belong here. I can take a mistakenly long walk and share a meal all while conversing with people from all around the world who I did not know before last a week ago Monday--in a language that is foreign to us all. How awesome is this!?! I have a feeling this will be yet another once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. I will do my best to share more of it with you.
bis später, J.
Mein Gott, mein Gott! Warum hast du mir verlassen?
I'm getting pretty tired of saying things will be ok. I can still intellectually understand that every day the sun will rise and the opportunity to do good will once again be presented. But every day, I am also waking up exhausted. And not a physical sense of tired. (Averaging seven hours of sleep a night is actually quite luxurious!) No, this is a soul-tired. Like I have been running a race thinking there are only a few laps to go before I might get a breather--only to find out I am still in the first mile of this marathon!
I have no direction (it seems). In less than three months, I will have a degree that says I am prepared to...
exactly.
I want to teach. In college. I feel comfortable with this. But what? I would love to teach music, but I have never been excited enough by it to truly do the dirty work. And as the rejection letters continue to roll in, my confidence in my abilities for vocational music-making, -teaching is waning. But I could also see my self working in International Studies. I find the German language to be fascinating and worth the hard work. And being able to make opportunities available for students like the one that I had sounds like truly fulfilling work. But I have had one year of German. Do I want to put all my money on the horse that just learned how to run yesterday? Sure, there's time...but how smart is it, really? And, as a dear friend put it recently, I should be careful about wanting something just to have something.
I know we are looking through a glass dimly. But I can't help but feel like I have been blindfolded, spun around a few times on a baseball bat, and then locked in a closet. I can't see a thing and I have no sense of where to turn.
I
know it will be ok. I am simply struggling to believe it.
